George Carlin - It's Bad For Ya (2008).txt

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Thank you.
Thank you.

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Thank you.

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I'd like to begin -
I'd like to -

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Thank you. Thank you.

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I'd like to begin by saying
fuck Lance Armstrong.

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Fuck him and his balls

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and his bicycles
and his steroids

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and his yellow shirts

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and the dumb empty
expression on his face.

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I'm tired of that asshole.

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And while you're at it
fuck Tiger Woods too.

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There's another jack-off
I can do without.

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I'm tired of being told who
to admire in this country.

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Aren't you sick of being told
who your heroes ought to be?

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Being told who you ought
to be looking up to.

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I'll choose my own heroes,
thank you very much.

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And fuck Dr. Phil too.

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Dr. Phil said
I should express my emotions,

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so that's what I'm doing.

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Now, since the last time I
rolled through these parts -

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and I do roll through
with some frequency.

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I'm a little bit like herpes.
I keep coming back.

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But since the last time I might
have seen some of you folks

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I have had my 70th birthday.
So I'm at -

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Thank you very much.
Thank you.

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Thank you.

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Yeah, I'm now 70 years old,
and I like 70.

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Not as much as I liked 69.

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Well, 69 was always
my favorite number.

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Now I figure I'm 69
with one finger up my ass.

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But now that I'm an old fuck

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- and that's what I
consider myself to be -

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an old fuck.

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Old fuck is a very special term.

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It's not like old man.

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Old man is different.

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Old man isn't really a time in
your life or a period of years.

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It's an attitude.
Old man is a point of view.

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It's a way of looking at things.

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Some guys are old men when
they're in their 20's.

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You've met guys like that.
They're just wired like old men.

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Not me.

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Not an old man
and not an old fart

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because an old fart is kind of -
<i>(Grumbles)</i>

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What I am is an old fuck.

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It's kind of like a fat fuck,
you know what I mean?

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Fat fuck, tall fuck,
skinny fuck, short fuck,

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old fuck.
Who's the old fuck?

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That's Georgie.
Georgie's the old fuck.

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In this respect, fuck is actually
a synonym for the word fellow.

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But now that I'm an old fuck
I'm beginning to notice

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there's some advantages to
putting on a few extra years.

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The first one is

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you never have to carry
anything heavy ever again.

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Everybody wants to
help an old fuck.

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If you've got a big suitcase or
something like that, you know,

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you just kind of go
like this a little bit.

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You say, "Yeah, could
you help me with this?"

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Say, "Yeah.
Hey, how far you going?"

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"Indianapolis."

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He wants to help?
Fuck him. Put him to work.

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Take advantage of people.

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Another nice thing about
getting old is

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you can leave any social event
early just by saying you're tired.

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Works great
with family members.

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Just turn to the person
next to you and say,

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"Geez, I'm getting tired,
you know."

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Oh, are you tired?
Come on.

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Grandpa's tired.
Grandpa's going to bed.

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Someone else says,
"But it's 7:30 in the morning."

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There's always one
asshole in the family.

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But the best thing about
getting old is

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you're not responsible for
remembering things anymore,

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even important things.

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"But it was your
daughter's funeral."

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I forgot.

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You can even make believe you
have Alzheimer's disease.

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Ah, it's a lot of fun.

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You look around the dining
room table and you say,

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"Who are you people,
and where is my horse?"

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Then you stare at your
eldest son and say,

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"Agnes, I haven't seen you
since first communion."

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Fucks them up.

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Fucks them up.
They don't know how to handle it.

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It takes them a week
to get over that shit.

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And they start listening to you
a lot more carefully from then on.

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So don't be afraid to get old.
It's a great time of life.

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You get to take
advantage of people,

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and you're not
responsible for anything.

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You can even
shit in your pants.

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They expect it.

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I haven't tried that yet,

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but I don't rule it out.

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I'm keeping my options open.

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Everything is on the table.

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Perhaps that's not the figure
of speech I wanted right there.

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So you know what
I've been doing?

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Going through my address book
and crossing out the dead people.

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You do that?
That's a lot of fun, isn't it?

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It gives you a good feeling.
Kind of gives you a feeling of power,

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a superiority to have
outlasted another old friend.

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But you can't do it too soon, you know?
You can't do it too soon.

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You can't come running
home from the funeral

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and get the book out and
be looking through it.

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You can't do that.
A little time has to pass.

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You have to let a
little time go by.

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I have a rule of thumb -
six weeks.

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If you're a friend of mine and
you're in my book and you die,

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I leave you alone
for an extra six weeks.

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Six extra weeks in the book.
On the house. It's on me.

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But after that,
hey, facts are facts.

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Fuck you. You're dead.

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Out you fucking go.

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You got to have
standards, you know.

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Now, these days a lot of people don't
keep analog address books anymore.

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They don't want to be writing
that stuff out longhand.

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They're in the computer age.

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And they have an application in
the computer called Outlook

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or Contacts or Address Book
or something like that.

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