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clubs
bars
cabaret
life
N o 10 52 7 M a y 2 015
18
Suitable only for persons
of 18 years and over
Clean and
Sober
in Clubland
Ollywood
and
Ted
Rogers
dish the dirt on
sobriety and why they are
still in clubland…
OLY
’ve never been
very good at
doing things in
moderation. I
see my whole
life as jumping from one
addiction to another. I
would always have a bit
of anxiety before I would
go out and so would use
drinks and drugs just to
help me relax, but then it
grew to the point where
I couldn’t have one drink
without needing drugs,
my body would literally
go into withdrawal. The
idea of going into any
club or bar without drugs
terrified me and I became
very sneaky and secretive
particularly with how much
I was using. I justified the
intensity of my drug use
by comparing it to the
people I had surrounded
myself with who all behaved similarly, so it felt normal. When I was hosting and promoting
club nights more I felt I needed to get wasted and to encourage others to get wasted with
me. Drugs were all very accessible, I would make bargains with dealers, like free entry and
drink tickets to wherever I would be. I was working sometimes three parties a week and my
life just became playing a dangerous game of catch up, getting myself back together again
before the next party. It got very boring, every night started being the same, I’d hung out with
everyone, I was no longer excited, I was constantly getting ill and I was very miserable. I knew
something had to change. It was very much a eureka moment when I decided I needed to
live a sober life. I’m now celebrating over seven months clean from drink and drugs.
I
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TED
Getting over the fear of being in a club sober was the hardest part, but
once I had done it a few times I was fine. I still get tempted, of course, but I
run through what will happen if I give in; one drink will turn into five, I’ll get
in touch with a dealer, I’ll want to go to an after-party and I won’t be able to
stop. Every time I think about that it puts me right off.
Most of my friends I have met through going out, so that’s still how we
socialise. I still like the release of being in a crowded room and feeling the
music. But it’s now a very different experience for me. I’m now much more
in tune with actually using this time to be with my friends and not to be seen.
I’ve always admired the amount of creativity there is especially in the east
London club scene which is so inspiring for me. I’ve also found dressing-up
occasionally for me has been a great way to distract myself from wanting
drink and drugs on a night out and it helps me feel more confident.
A lot of my drug taking came down to the fact that I’m a very shy person
but was constantly thrown into extremely social situations and I felt like people
expected a lot from me. As a club host and party promotor I felt like I needed
to be an entertainer which isn’t natural for me, so I would medicate myself
purely to get to the level of numbness where all my inhibitions vanished. The
greatest thing I’ve realised since I’ve gone sober is I no longer care what
people think about me. I don’t need to be anything other than what I am
I
stopped taking drugs and alcohol near
the end of my professional musical
theatre training. It had come to a
point where I was using drugs just to
get through the day. I was spending
money that wasn’t mine to spend and didn’t like
the person I was becoming and had become. It
became clear to me that I was really sick again
(I suffer from mental health differences) and I
couldn’t see an end other than continued drug
use leading towards death. I had resigned myself
to this life until a violent situation caused me to
get some perspective and seek help. I am now
celebrating over two years without drink or drugs.
“The greatest thing I’ve
realised since I’ve gone
sober is I no longer
care what people think
about me.”
and I don’t have to entertain anyone. There are times now when I go out
and feel awkward and wish I was on the same level as my friends just to
relax my nerves and I definitely get bored quickly, but when that happens it’s
no problem I just go home. I never get bored of waking up in the morning
hangover free.
I now have a smaller group of amazing friends rather than before where
I needed to be best friends with you, your mother, your cousin and your
cousin’s best friend. Before I knew I had a lot of people around who were
just there to get into all the clubs for free and get free drinks and didn’t care
about me. People’s reactions have been very telling. It’s amazing how you can
think you are connected with someone, then you take away drugs and you
realise you have nothing in common. The majority of my friends think what
I’m doing is great. Some have found it unsettling, I think because it forces
people to examine their own habits and they find it too confronting. I know a
lot of people who clearly have addiction problems and you just hope they will
realise it before its too late.
I will always love nightlife, since being sober I have a new job in events,
which is something I’ve always wanted to do but feared it would be too
dangerous because of my addiction. But now I’m able to do the job with
professionalism and with no fear. I choose where I go out carefully, I avoid
places I know will be dangerous triggers for me. It’s been the greatest decision
I’ve ever made so far. I want to carry on living a clean and sober life and I’m
really excited about the future.
“I have found that there
are lots of other sober
people in the clubs
and that actually not
everyone is wasted! This
has broken many pre-
misconceptions for me.”
I never ventured into the clubs I am a part
of now when I was using drugs as I was busy
hating my sexuality and hiding away from
anything remotely celebratory of it. So, for me
going to a gay or queer club sober and seeing
all of this new stuff and meeting new people
has been totally eye-opening. I expected to feel
really uncomfortable around all the drugs and
alcohol that are part and parcel of this scene.
The first time I went out sober I thought I would
probably have to leave the club quickly after
arriving. But instead I had a lot of fun and felt
welcomed into a new environment. Over time
I have found myself becoming part of a vast
community of creative and loving people. I now
have an entirely new family and support network
who I can learn things from, who encourage
me in my creative ventures and who support
me emotionally and socially. There are certain
things that your birth family understandably
may not be able to teach you, such as true
acceptance of your sexuality and an open mind
to explore yourself in this way.
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My first lessons in self-acceptance were taught
to me through friends I met in 12 step fellowships.
They help me to understand how to love myself
and I’m so grateful for what I have been given
within those fellowships as it is my utter core and
get’s me out of bed and functioning - but this
other network has truly extended my perceptions
on life and given me further routes to explore
it. The freedom I have within this scene to
experiment with myself is more liberating than
anything I have experienced before and I would
not wish to go back to the place I was in before
the club scene became a part of my life.
I have always struggled with social
interactions and my diagnosis of Aspergers can
probably explain some of the reasons for this.
Using drugs and alcohol definitely helped me to
be more confident in social situations. Cocaine
was particularly helpful as it allowed me to ‘talk,
talk, talk’ for hours. I thought that everyone loved
me for it. But fast forward the tape and I was a
total mess. Using drugs for me was going to cost
me more than my confidence.
Now without the drugs and alcohol I find it
very difficult to interact again. Although starting
drag and working as a club host and performer
has helped me to build my confidence, and I
have learned how to surround myself with people
who are loving and can teach me these skills with
patience and understanding, some from 12 step
fellowships and some from clubland. Another
thing I always felt such shame around was my
body. I have learned some truly invaluable
lessons around this from my friends in clubland
and now I often enjoy being without clothes and
the feelings of freedom this brings.
In the digital age I think that it is no surprise
that we have issues interacting on a face to
face level. There is little motivation to start a
conversation further than on an iPhone since
the invention of dating apps. I’m still working
and asking my more experienced friends on
how to interact with people in this way as I think
true friendship is invaluable, human contact is
imperative for a happy soul and I’d like to have a
high level of social confidence not in drag, too.
Furthermore, I have found that there are
lots of other sober people in the clubs and
that actually not everyone is wasted! This has
broken many pre-misconceptions for me and
I have often found myself indulging in deep
philosophical discussions with other sober people
in the corners of clubs.
Expectations can be overwhelming and I think a
lot of people are expecting craziness from me, and
probably some level of nudity and a strong sexual
nature. But this is fine, I gave them this sober from
the start and this is pretty much accurate of me
most of the time. It is up to me to hold boundaries
if I don’t fancy it on that particular night. If I’m
booked to host but I don’t feel sexy that particular
night then I dance a bit and find my mood has
probably changed, and if it hasn’t then this is an
opportunity to explore a different side of myself. I
can be creative around my feelings.
If I really feel awful and have to leave for my
safety then I leave, and if I’m struggling to leave I
call a sober friend and they help me to leave. Being
clean comes with it’s own set of issues, particularly
around work, but if anything I have found clubs the
most easy, flexible and understanding places of
work. Expectations are just that. They will not always
be met as we are humans and often this allows us
to develop and grow.
I am often asked why I am in clubland and
isn’t it dangerous for my addiction, so I ask
myself why, too?
In conclusion, clubland is more than serving
a purpose for me. It is where a lot of my friends
and chosen family are, it is helping me to develop
as an individual, it is mostly paying my rent
in a city which no longer caters for artists and
people with mental health differences and it is my
second (and sometimes first) home.
I hope to remain clean and sober for the rest
of my life as I know that I am an addict and when
I pick up the first drink, drugs, shopping, food,
or unhealthy sex, it will eventually lead to utter
turmoil. I believe that this is the way I will achieve
many of my dreams. I hope to continue to open
my mind so that others can open theirs too, and
I plan on having a business that is sustainable
and helps other people as well as myself whilst
also articulating myself through the release of art.
Within sobriety I can remain teachable. When I am
tainted by too many externals I become spiritually
bankrupt and behave in an unconsidered manor.
The club scene is crazy enough without drugs, and
I am too. So for now I will enjoy it like that.
Photo © Joerg Brunsendorf
The Service is a one–off no alcohol, no drugs event with DJ Kele Okereke
(Bloc Party) spinning soulful, vocal Chicago house at St Peter’s
(310 Kennington Lane, Vauxhall, SE11 5HY) on Saturday 16th May 16th, 7.00pm.
No entry after 7.30pm.
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